The Parents vs. Their Children Blog

By Nia Leanne — Food for Thought with Nia Leanne

Are Parents At War With Their Children?

Sometimes it feels like parents view their children as their “opps.” I mean, I get it, kids are trying. It can feel like a constant battle, a constant problem, or even a pestilence in your life. Children can be loud, demanding, or repetitive, and it’s easy to get frustrated. I’m not a parent, but I’ve been a childcare professional, so trust me, I understand, probably not to the full extent, because I get to go home and be alone, but I do understand, at least a little bit.

But parenting is not about belittling or cursing, it’s about leading and guiding. Think of how God is a Father to us. He has His rules, He is firm, consistent, and clear, but never abusive. Like a shepherd with their sheep, parents are meant to direct, protect, and nurture, not shame or harm.

Growing up in Jamaica, child abuse was everywhere, and escaping it was nearly impossible. While this issue isn’t exclusive to Jamaica, it’s what I know, and it always disturbed me even as a child. To hear a child screaming out in pain is something traumatic for me, even as someone who has never been in those shoes. I’ve spent a lot of time around children of all ages and temperaments, and I’ve seen enough to know something important: being firm is 100 percent necessary, but it is not the same as abuse. There is a balance that has to be found and maintained.

Children Need To Be Seen

Just like adults, children need community. When they don’t have consistent access to peers, they turn to parents or caregivers for connection. Adults are often busy and stressed, dealing with life, and it can get overwhelming, especially when you’re responsible for a little person too. Children approach the world with excitement over things that may feel small or repetitive. It can be annoying. It can be exhausting. And that’s okay. But how we respond matters. We need to take care of ourselves to show up for them. So the question is, how are you self-regulating to be there for them? How are you caring for yourself in order to be available?

Many children grow up feeling unseen, not because they lacked food or shelter, but because their thoughts, feelings, and curiosity were dismissed. When a child feels unheard for too long, they either get louder to be noticed or quiet to survive.

Mixed Messages Cause Confusion

Adults often blur the lines of what is acceptable. Laughing when a child repeats a word, then scolding them later, creates inconsistency. Children need clarity. If something is okay, be consistent with it. If it’s not, set those boundaries clearly and early. Confusion breeds fear and anxiety.

Parenting IS Hard. Self-Regulation Matters

Parenting is one of the hardest jobs in the world. It requires patience, awareness, and emotional regulation. Nobody is perfect. No parent is perfect. Everyone has moments of frustration. Parenting is repetitive. You will have to tell your child the same things over and over again. It is truly one of the biggest tests of patience. The key is to remain firm, not only with your words but also with your consistency. The goal is to respond, not react.

If you can’t rely on God for guidance yet, whether you are a non-believer or you are still building your faith, there are other tools. You can lean on music, journaling, exercise, or a supportive community such as schools, friends, or neighbors. Find what helps you step back, breathe, and regain composure. Children understand more than we think. Talk to them and express your feelings in ways they can understand. They will not only hear you, but also learn that it’s okay to express how you feel in a calm and respectful manner. You and your child are human… they will understand, maybe not right away, but eventually. Keep trying and take breaks when you feel stuck. Reach out and talk to other parents, whether to rant or get advice, but avoid venting in front of your little ones, as that can also cause trauma.

Firmness vs. Abuse

Being firm is about clarity and consistency. It builds respect. Abuse builds fear and trauma. Emotional abuse such as sarcasm, dismissal, or hurtful jokes leaves scars just as much as physical abuse. Many children’s first bullies are their parents. Words like slow or stupid stick, and children internalize these messages for life.

10 Tips for Firm, Compassionate Parenting

1. Explain your choices – Let children know why rules exist, not just that they must follow them.
2. Guide reflection – Ask “What could we do differently next time?” instead of shaming mistakes.
3. Offer real choices – Give options (within boundaries of course) to reduce power struggles.
4. Model self-compassion – Show that it’s okay to pause, breathe, and come back calm.
5. Celebrate effort – Acknowledge trying, not just perfect outcomes.
6. Teach mini pause moments – Breathing, counting, or visual cues (sensory bottles or an established calm-down corner).
7. Use curiosity over correction – Ask questions that guide thinking rather than issuing commands.
8. Create small daily rituals – A few minutes of focused connection building trust and understanding.
9. Tell lessons through stories – Children remember relatable scenarios better than direct lectures. Use those books!
10. Normalize mistakes – Admit your own errors and show the actions you take to solve your own problems.

Food For Thought

Parenting is difficult. It is simply a hard job that requires talking yourself through each day. It is repetitive, exhausting, and often you won’t feel rewarded or see the fruits of your labor until years down the line. If you’ve ever been in the battle of trying to be firm and ended up being abusive, forgive yourself. These emotions are human, but it is how we handle them and what we do with them that matters. Be present, patient, and consistent, and take breaks. Children don’t need perfection. They need to be seen, heard, and respected. Treat them how you wish you had been treated, and if you grew up in a peaceful household, extend that to them. Abuse may get short-term compliance, but it damages trust, self-esteem, and long-term relationships.

Firmness builds respect. Abuse builds trauma.